Being Different and Other Extreme Sports

I am a rocker and a metalhead. Its pretty clear. I wear black on black, too much eyeliner, pale foundation, and Doc. Martens. I have a pretty withdrawn appearance and I listen to music ceaselessly. I write depressing or tragic poetry. This is who I am.

I always hope that someone will fall for me because of this. I want someone to think that I am amazing based solely on the fact that I really don't fit in. I am the token freak that people want in their stupid clique for the crazy perspective. I hate being alone.

My relationship is at a low. He is never online and has no cell service. I miss him so much, and I know that he is sleeping around up in the Midwest. It is infuriating that he gets to screw random girls that I will never know and I can't talk to him. A main part of our relationship is that we can see other people, but we communicate with each other about our personal issues or doubts. I don't want him to be a doubt. Or a regret. And he is well on his way to being one. I'm pretty sure that I love him, but I never get to see him or be around him.

He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He is talented, smart, funny, uplifting, inspiring, hot, and all and all a great person. He cares about others, and cares about what people think of him. Everybody loves him. When I am around him, its like there isn't anyone else that he would rather be with. There is nobody that I would rather be with. I never get bored with him. He knows what he wants out of a relationship, and freedom to expand is one of them. I'm not just a teenager who thinks they're in love, I am a teenager who has been given just enough to be addicted, but doesn't know if the end justifies the addiction.

I wish I had the balls to not care about what others think. I slept with this guy a month or so ago, and he told another guy that he actually wanted to sleep with my best friend and roommate, Faith, instead of me. That hurt. I thought that I didn't care about what people said about me, but that proved that I was wrong. I am the self-esteem bomb that teenage girls all are. And it sucks. I want to be confident in a relationship, but still have the ability to be free with myself and have that collegiate spontaneity. Why is my life so hard?

Fuck me.